Business matters and eating etiquette

Business and Etiquette

All of us foreigners have been warned before embarking on our trip to India not to eat with the left hand. Which only leaves the right hand and both feet. Ok, feet don’t count. It only leaves the right hand. From what I can gather, this tradition stems from… er… a simple mode of living in which the field is your toilet, toilet paper is nonexistent and all you have to clean yourself after your business is water… without soap. In those conditions, the left hand is used for… operating your business and other similar matters. The right hand is used for eating and other similar matters.

So the equation is simple: left hand = dirty, right hand = clean. You should not give anything to anyone with your left hand nor touch anyone with it. You should certainly not eat with it. In case that is not completely clear yet, you should definitely not suck on it nor stick it into your mouth, or anyone else’s mouth for that matter. This being said, it’s not like there is a Hand Police ready to pounce on you as soon as you break the hand rules. All witnesses to your sacrilegious act will think you are a dirty foreigner but they will not throw you in jail. Really, though, I’ve seen quite a few violations myself. Not that I’ve seen anyone sticking their left hand into any one else’s mouth but I’ve seen Indians violate the rule.

There’s a problem with the previous sentence. Can you spot it? No, I’m not talking about grammar. No, not spelling. Nor style. Go away, you pedantic ass! Now, the rest of you, can you figure out what the problem is?

I’ve written “but I’ve seen Indians violate the rule”. Were those people really Indian? How do I know? Some of them could have been born abroad of Indian parents without having ever lived in India for any extended period of time. They have the look but not the upbringing.

The fact remains that I’ve seen violations that did not generate much reaction. Still, as a foreigner, I do not want to casually violate the local etiquette so I’ve tried to follow the rules as best I can. This sometimes results in situations where the proper course of action is not at all clear. Let’s suppose you’ve already eaten most of your meal with your left hand which is by now soiled with food. You want to take a napkin from the napkin holder in the middle of the table. Do you:

a) use your left hand, which is really soiled with food;

b) use your right hand, which is imaginarily soiled with business matters;

c) remain frozen until everyone leaves;

d) none of the above.

The answer, of course is d) none of the above. Proper etiquette at this point calls for a diversion. For instance, you may exclaim “look, a cow!” While people are busy looking for the cow, you quickly snap up a napkin. Before anyone can say moo, your soiled hand is reasonably clean again and no one knows you’ve just contaminated the remaining set of napkins. Except the cow, which was looking at you all along.

Here are more tips. If anyone offers to introduce you to a businessman or has a business proposition, you should politely decline. Since business facilities are sometimes quite spartan in India, you should always have a good business plan. You can always go to business school if you need it.