Avaktavyam » Nonsense

Buddhism: How the Vinaya Shockingly Ends

Louis-Dominique — Fri, 26 Nov 2010 15:46:57 +0000

The actual ending of the book of monastic rules, the Vinaya, has been lost to us. A recent a bit of luck and research allowed for its restoration. The results are shocking. The story follows:

At that time Lord Buddha was staying in Sāvatthi in the Jetavana Grove. A group of monks came to him, complaining that other monks did not wash their feet properly. The monks said: “O Lord, monks are visiting our monastery but they did not remove their sandals before coming in and when they later washed their feet they did not use one hand for sprinkling and the other hand for washing. Also, they smell like turnips and their robes are one inch too long.” Lord Buddha rose to his feet and exclaimed (anachronistically): “Jesus! Day after day you guys keep coming to me whining about this and that. Do I really need to spell out everything in minute details? Do I have to tell you how to chew your food?” A monk interjected: “O Lord, you do not need to tell us how to chew our food because you already told us yesterday. On the left side, we are to chew f…” Buddha interrupted him: “Oh, so yesterday you, Ānanda, were actually listening to what I was saying, for a change! Listen, when I give you advice on how to regulate the monastery, you should understand the spirit of my advice and figure out the details for yourself. Do I really need to tell you that you should eat your food without drooling all over yourself.” Another monk interjected: “O Lord, drooling over oneself while eating is an unforgivable offense. So it has been ordained by you.” Buddha replied: “I was joking when I said that!!! If you drool, just wipe your mouth.” Another monk said, with a glitter of hope in his eyes: “O World Venerated One, what about sex? Were you joking too?” The Buddha replied: “No, I was serious… and this is another thing. When I said no sex, I meant no sex. I did not imply that sex with a corpse was fine, because ‘well, it’s not a real woman’ or some other nonsensical reason. And no, there is no form B231-8A which you can fill to get a dispensation allowing sex. This is just something Devadatta made up.”

The Buddha took a deep breath and declared: “Ok, from now on, I’m no longer giving you advice on how to manage your affairs. I’ve noticed how you’ve already compiled all of my responses to your incessant whining. That thing is more than a thousand pages long, big enough for you to beat each other senseless with it.” As he was leaving, he stopped mid-stride and added: “You know what? Forget all those rules I gave you. Just use some common sense and you’ll be fine. Have sex if you must.” Upon saying these words, he retired to his hut.

Here ends the Vinaya. The Pāli manuscript has a line running across the entire excerpt translated above. A line in the margin says: “Mahāsāṃghika heresy. Do not copy.”

My Squirrel Phase

Louis-Dominique — Sat, 31 Oct 2009 00:15:25 +0000

Young naive folks are likely to do things which in retrospect are pretty stupid. I was a child once and I was naive too. So I did stupid things. It gets even stupider when said child is trying to say things in a language he does not master. There was an ethnic insult against Anglophones which was current in Québec when I was a kid: “square head.” (The Urban Dictionary states that the insult is always expressed in French but this is false.) I heard the insult without the benefit of knowing English or getting a full explanation as to what it meant. An untrained ear is treacherous. Soon I started calling the Anglos “squirrels.” You can imagine the surprise when someone addressing me in English would get the evil eye accompanied with the exclamation “DAMNED SQUIRREL!!!”

HFCS Myths Debunked!

Louis-Dominique — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 19:04:22 +0000

[After my previous post on sugar and high fructose corn syrup being everywhere, I found this page. "Intellectually dishonest" is the mildest qualifier which comes to mind for that page. Anyway, I decided to produce my own home-grown tripe. Read on...]

Myth: High fructose corn syrup causes cannibalism.

Reality: There is no scientific evidence of a positive correlation between high fructose corn syrup and cannibalism. Quite the contrary, Dr. Fleug of the University of Hamburg has studied the link between high fructose corn syrup and cannibalism. In his study, he found that the control group, the group not fed HFCS, had a higher incidence of cannibalism than the group which was fed HFCS. Additionally, there are many possible causes of cannibalism and these causes are not easily isolated. For instance, zombification, fruit, unicorns and the US tax code are all possible causes of cannibalism. If you filed taxes or had fruit, you could be a cannibal and not know it.

Myth: HFCS is made from puppies.

Reality: Actually, HFCS is made from kittens.

Myth: High fructose corn syrup is high in fructose.

Reality: As a matter of fact, the H in HFCS does not mean “high” but “holy”. HFCS is full of godly goodness. Those who oppose the addition of HFCS in food items are not only unchristian but also hate freedom. They are unamerican and communists, and probably are cannibals too.

Myth: HFCS is made from kittens.

Reality: Actually, HFCS is made from puppies.

Myth: High fructose corn syrup is the sweetest substance known to us.

Reality: The perpetually happy, “think positive” new age types are sweeter than high fructose corn syrup. They taste like peach cobbler while the rest of the population tastes like chicken.

Editor: How do you know what people taste like?

HFCS Executive: We were members of the control group in Dr. Fleug’s study on HFCS and cannibalism.

The Smell of Zombies in the Morning

Louis-Dominique — Thu, 21 May 2009 12:16:26 +0000

There was some stupid ad on TV this morning. As I am wont to do, I parodied it. I made up some nonsense slogan with the phrase “zombie pus”. Debbie immediately corrected me, arguing that zombies cannot have pus because they are dead. Technically they are living-dead but she’s probably right. I did a bit of research on Wikipedia and found that corpses have cadaverine or putrecine. So I guess that’s what zombies have too.

Putrecine: eau de zombie, by Chanel.

In-flight entertainment

Louis-Dominique — Tue, 19 May 2009 00:51:34 +0000

When I opened my bag of peanuts on the flight back home last weekend, one of the peanuts flew right between my legs. I reached for it but it just kept sliding further and further. I stopped when I realized that from the perspective of the other passengers I must have looked like I was trying to give myself a rectal exam.

And now: the seductive power of idiotic banter

Louis-Dominique — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 01:26:11 +0000

Vintage ads is on a roll:

Bloody… hell… In which universe is this a winning strategy?

Captain Morgan: the choice of horny creeps everywhere.

The seductive power of assault

Louis-Dominique — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 23:58:11 +0000

This ad just boggles the mind:

I like to look at old ads for fun. A good deal of our culturally based assumptions do not stand the test of time and so look ridiculous seen from the vantage point of a later age. I’ve seen the ad above many times on sites dedicated to old ads. Today, I ran across it again on vintage ads.

Now, the utter stupidity of this ad is nothing short of mind blowing. Blowing smoke in a woman’s face will win her over??? Really?!? But hey, what if she’s “playing” hard to get, eh? What then? Are there more advanced methods of “seduction”? Like spitting in her mouth? Or peeing on her?

FDA-approved maggots

Louis-Dominique — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:51:41 +0000

Here’s a new expression to use for edification and fun: FDA-approved maggots.

Charlie: Hey Bob, you don’t look so good. You’ve got pus running down your leg.

Bob: My leg has been rotting ever since I got bitten by that rabid koala.

Charlie: Did you try using maggots? They’ll eat the dead flesh right out!

Bob: Yes, I’ve tried them but they don’t seem to work.

Charlie: Where did you get them from?

Bob: From a steak in the garbage dump.

Charlie: Oh! That’s your problem. You should use only FDA-approved maggots.

Announcer: FDA-approved maggots: ask your witch-doctor about them.

[Disclaimer: Side effects include vomiting, dizziness and losing limbs. Do not use maggots together with cat breath, bat wings or newt eyes. Do not use maggots if you are a pregnant woman or a zombie. Maggots should only be used under the supervision of a licensed necromancer.]

The Amazing Bernanke predicts!!!

Louis-Dominique — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 00:11:05 +0000

The Amazing Bernanke: recession could end in ‘09

Yesterday, during a séance, the Amazing Bernanke predicted that the recession will “probably” end this year… but “maybe not”. Bernanke explained that “if” the government turns out to be successful at saving the banking system, then “perhaps” the recession will end this year. He added that “maybe” the foreign investors will stop being afraid of investing in America and that there is actually “more than a snowball’s chance in hell” that CEOs will stop flushing taxpayer money down the toilet.

Bernanke also predicted that by the end of the year we “might” be able to end all wars, “if” everybody agrees to play nice, and that we “may” find a way to instantaneously travel to the other end of the universe, “if” an extraterrestrial race finds us and gives us their technology. He also said he will “probably” grow tentacles within ten minutes, “if” he spontaneously mutates.

Bernanke then offered to contact the spirits of the departed for members of the audience.

(Inspired by this story.)

Searching for emptiness

Louis-Dominique — Thu, 03 Apr 2008 12:11:22 +0000

I was searching through databases of journal articles this morning. I click away and then I get this:

The following error was encountered:

* Zero Sized Reply

I guess that should be expected when you search for “emptiness”. Has the search engine adopted the stance that ultimate reality cannot be spoken of?