Reality: There is no scientific evidence of a positive correlation between high fructose corn syrup and cannibalism. Quite the contrary, Dr. Fleug of the University of Hamburg has studied the link between high fructose corn syrup and cannibalism. In his study, he found that the control group, the group not fed HFCS, had a higher incidence of cannibalism than the group which was fed HFCS. Additionally, there are many possible causes of cannibalism and these causes are not easily isolated. For instance, zombification, fruit, unicorns and the US tax code are all possible causes of cannibalism. If you filed taxes or had fruit, you could be a cannibal and not know it.

Myth: HFCS is made from puppies.

Reality: Actually, HFCS is made from kittens.

Myth: High fructose corn syrup is high in fructose.

Reality: As a matter of fact, the H in HFCS does not mean “high” but “holy”. HFCS is full of godly goodness. Those who oppose the addition of HFCS in food items are not only unchristian but also hate freedom. They are unamerican and communists, and probably are cannibals too.

Myth: HFCS is made from kittens.

Reality: Actually, HFCS is made from puppies.

Myth: High fructose corn syrup is the sweetest substance known to us.

Reality: The perpetually happy, “think positive” new age types are sweeter than high fructose corn syrup. They taste like peach cobbler while the rest of the population tastes like chicken.

Editor: How do you know what people taste like?

HFCS Executive: We were members of the control group in Dr. Fleug’s study on HFCS and cannibalism.

Putrecine: eau de zombie, by Chanel.

Bloody… hell… In which universe is this a winning strategy?

Captain Morgan: the choice of horny creeps everywhere.

I like to look at old ads for fun. A good deal of our culturally based assumptions do not stand the test of time and so look ridiculous seen from the vantage point of a later age. I’ve seen the ad above many times on sites dedicated to old ads. Today, I ran across it again on vintage ads.

Now, the utter stupidity of this ad is nothing short of mind blowing. Blowing smoke in a woman’s face will win her over??? Really?!? But hey, what if she’s “playing” hard to get, eh? What then? Are there more advanced methods of “seduction”? Like spitting in her mouth? Or peeing on her?

Charlie: Hey Bob, you don’t look so good. You’ve got pus running down your leg.

Bob: My leg has been rotting ever since I got bitten by that rabid koala.

Charlie: Did you try using maggots? They’ll eat the dead flesh right out!

Bob: Yes, I’ve tried them but they don’t seem to work.

Charlie: Where did you get them from?

Bob: From a steak in the garbage dump.

Charlie: Oh! That’s your problem. You should use only FDA-approved maggots.

Announcer: FDA-approved maggots: ask your witch-doctor about them.

[Disclaimer: Side effects include vomiting, dizziness and losing limbs. Do not use maggots together with cat breath, bat wings or newt eyes. Do not use maggots if you are a pregnant woman or a zombie. Maggots should only be used under the supervision of a licensed necromancer.]

Yesterday, during a séance, the Amazing Bernanke predicted that the recession will “probably” end this year… but “maybe not”. Bernanke explained that “if” the government turns out to be successful at saving the banking system, then “perhaps” the recession will end this year. He added that “maybe” the foreign investors will stop being afraid of investing in America and that there is actually “more than a snowball’s chance in hell” that CEOs will stop flushing taxpayer money down the toilet.

Bernanke also predicted that by the end of the year we “might” be able to end all wars, “if” everybody agrees to play nice, and that we “may” find a way to instantaneously travel to the other end of the universe, “if” an extraterrestrial race finds us and gives us their technology. He also said he will “probably” grow tentacles within ten minutes, “if” he spontaneously mutates.

Bernanke then offered to contact the spirits of the departed for members of the audience.

(Inspired by this story.)

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I guess that should be expected when you search for “emptiness”. Has the search engine adopted the stance that ultimate reality cannot be spoken of?

Everybody is familiar with the usual bouts of anxiety that manifest themselves as dreams (or perhaps, nightmares) of academic disaster. Although dreaming of going to class naked seems to be popular, that never happened to me, whether in dreams or for real. However, numerous times I’ve dreamed of finding at the end of a semester that I was registered to a class without my knowledge. Or that there’s an exam coming and I’m learning about it just 2 seconds before exam time. Or that I’ve been going to the wrong class all semester long. But nothing like the dream I had last night.

I guess new academic roles bring on new possibilities for disaster. At any rate, last night I dreamed that I had been selected for being a TA for a class called “Particle physics and theories of personality.” Good gods! In my dream, my Religious Studies teachers were assuring me that it was in my best interest to teach that class. Of course, to top it off, I had learned about it just 2 seconds before the first class. I felt I was a terrible choice for teaching anyone anything about particle physics. I was also skeptical as to the rationale for making particle physics and theories of personality the subject matter of a single class. Sounds like one of those flashy course titles that end up disappointing.

As for why I had that dream, that’s just the usual anxiety about making sure that I’m at the level I need to be to perform the tasks I need to perform as a graduate student. Luckily, I don’t have such dreams too often.