Monthly Archives: March 2009

FDA-approved maggots

Here’s a new expression to use for edification and fun: FDA-approved maggots.

Charlie: Hey Bob, you don’t look so good. You’ve got pus running down your leg.

Bob: My leg has been rotting ever since I got bitten by that rabid koala.

Charlie: Did you try using maggots? They’ll eat the dead flesh right out!

Bob: Yes, I’ve tried them but they don’t seem to work.

Charlie: Where did you get them from?

Bob: From a steak in the garbage dump.

Charlie: Oh! That’s your problem. You should use only FDA-approved maggots.

Announcer: FDA-approved maggots: ask your witch-doctor about them.

[Disclaimer: Side effects include vomiting, dizziness and losing limbs. Do not use maggots together with cat breath, bat wings or newt eyes. Do not use maggots if you are a pregnant woman or a zombie. Maggots should only be used under the supervision of a licensed necromancer.]

The Amazing Bernanke predicts!!!

The Amazing Bernanke: recession could end in ’09

Yesterday, during a séance, the Amazing Bernanke predicted that the recession will “probably” end this year… but “maybe not”. Bernanke explained that “if” the government turns out to be successful at saving the banking system, then “perhaps” the recession will end this year. He added that “maybe” the foreign investors will stop being afraid of investing in America and that there is actually “more than a snowball’s chance in hell” that CEOs will stop flushing taxpayer money down the toilet.

Bernanke also predicted that by the end of the year we “might” be able to end all wars, “if” everybody agrees to play nice, and that we “may” find a way to instantaneously travel to the other end of the universe, “if” an extraterrestrial race finds us and gives us their technology. He also said he will “probably” grow tentacles within ten minutes, “if” he spontaneously mutates.

Bernanke then offered to contact the spirits of the departed for members of the audience.

(Inspired by this story.)

Hit the gym today: pleasant surprise

For about 4 months and a half, I have not been doing any kind of serious physical exercise. As usually happens during these periods of inactivity, I assume that when I return to an exercise regimen of some sort, I’ll have to start from scratch. I assume that everything gained during my last intense period of exercise will have evaporated during my period of inactivity. Actually, it seems to me that my past experiences with weight training proved this expectation to be true. In fact, this expectation turns out not to be the case.
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Great Journalism: The Collapse of the Banking System Explained

I’ve been ranting several times here about how journalists in the US have abdicated their role. They’ve stopped asking the hard questions. Does this mean that all journalism has gone to hell? No. There are still journalists out there doing a spectacular job. I have for evidence an episode of This American Life about the collapse of the banking system. It is intelligent, clear and asks hard questions. Anybody who wants to understand the current crisis should listen to this.