Category Archives: Nonsense

My Squirrel Phase

Young naive folks are likely to do things which in retrospect are pretty stupid. I was a child once and I was naive too. So I did stupid things. It gets even stupider when said child is trying to say things in a language he does not master. There was an ethnic insult against Anglophones which was current in Québec when I was a kid: “square head.” (The Urban Dictionary states that the insult is always expressed in French but this is false.) I heard the insult without the benefit of knowing English or getting a full explanation as to what it meant. An untrained ear is treacherous. Soon I started calling the Anglos “squirrels.” You can imagine the surprise when someone addressing me in English would get the evil eye accompanied with the exclamation “DAMNED SQUIRREL!!!”

The Smell of Zombies in the Morning

There was some stupid ad on TV this morning. As I am wont to do, I parodied it. I made up some nonsense slogan with the phrase “zombie pus”. Debbie immediately corrected me, arguing that zombies cannot have pus because they are dead. Technically they are living-dead but she’s probably right. I did a bit of research on Wikipedia and found that corpses have cadaverine or putrecine. So I guess that’s what zombies have too.

Putrecine: eau de zombie, by Chanel.

In-flight entertainment

When I opened my bag of peanuts on the flight back home last weekend, one of the peanuts flew right between my legs. I reached for it but it just kept sliding further and further. I stopped when I realized that from the perspective of the other passengers I must have looked like I was trying to give myself a rectal exam.

The seductive power of assault

This ad just boggles the mind:

an ad for cigarette showing a guy blowing smoke into a woman's face

I like to look at old ads for fun. A good deal of our culturally based assumptions do not stand the test of time and so look ridiculous seen from the vantage point of a later age. I’ve seen the ad above many times on sites dedicated to old ads. Today, I ran across it again on vintage ads.

Now, the utter stupidity of this ad is nothing short of mind blowing. Blowing smoke in a woman’s face will win her over??? Really?!? But hey, what if she’s “playing” hard to get, eh? What then? Are there more advanced methods of “seduction”? Like spitting in her mouth? Or peeing on her?

FDA-approved maggots

Here’s a new expression to use for edification and fun: FDA-approved maggots.

Charlie: Hey Bob, you don’t look so good. You’ve got pus running down your leg.

Bob: My leg has been rotting ever since I got bitten by that rabid koala.

Charlie: Did you try using maggots? They’ll eat the dead flesh right out!

Bob: Yes, I’ve tried them but they don’t seem to work.

Charlie: Where did you get them from?

Bob: From a steak in the garbage dump.

Charlie: Oh! That’s your problem. You should use only FDA-approved maggots.

Announcer: FDA-approved maggots: ask your witch-doctor about them.

[Disclaimer: Side effects include vomiting, dizziness and losing limbs. Do not use maggots together with cat breath, bat wings or newt eyes. Do not use maggots if you are a pregnant woman or a zombie. Maggots should only be used under the supervision of a licensed necromancer.]

The Amazing Bernanke predicts!!!

The Amazing Bernanke: recession could end in ’09

Yesterday, during a séance, the Amazing Bernanke predicted that the recession will “probably” end this year… but “maybe not”. Bernanke explained that “if” the government turns out to be successful at saving the banking system, then “perhaps” the recession will end this year. He added that “maybe” the foreign investors will stop being afraid of investing in America and that there is actually “more than a snowball’s chance in hell” that CEOs will stop flushing taxpayer money down the toilet.

Bernanke also predicted that by the end of the year we “might” be able to end all wars, “if” everybody agrees to play nice, and that we “may” find a way to instantaneously travel to the other end of the universe, “if” an extraterrestrial race finds us and gives us their technology. He also said he will “probably” grow tentacles within ten minutes, “if” he spontaneously mutates.

Bernanke then offered to contact the spirits of the departed for members of the audience.

(Inspired by this story.)